The Kitty and the Pitbull

So it's like Beauty and the Beast, but far more gut-wrenchingly romantic. Here, I bare my broken soul for you to bring you the story of the tumultuous, tempestuous ten-minute online love affair I had, and lost, tonight.

Please shed a tear for me that it was over so soon.


20 year old Male from Timaru & Oamaru seeking Relationships

HIM: Hey there sexy. Keen on a toy boy?

ME: I really like toys. Once I had this big box of Toro, which is like Lego but cheaper and crapper. I made a prison and had little toy cars be the prisoners and Barbie was God and it was oh so much fun.

HIM: We should get togetha so you can lock me up n b my sex goddess

ME: I had some fluffy handcuffs but unfortunately they were from the $2 shop and they weren't very good and they kind of broke. Then I used them as cat toys and my kitty just loves them! Do you have a kitty?

HIM: No I got a pitbull lol. Me n him are a bit alike. I get a lil savage and I looove to lick lol

ME: What do you like licking most? I like the paddle pops with the strip of chocolate through the middle, they're divine. x

HIM: I know id like to lick u .x. Perhaps we could play a game with some had cream sometime. Or some chocolate n a few ice cubes.

ME: Ice, ice baby... do you ever sing that song while you're in the shower, and do the moves that go along with it? I know I do.

HIM: Lol no I dont. Id love for you to show me

ME: My friend Robert Van Winkle can show you if you like; he gives private lessons to supplement the dole. Shall I sign you up?

HIM: Id rather you showed me lol

ME: Well, alright then. This is me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2nX41KvnNY

He didn't reply anymore after that. I think he was probably overwhelmed with the intensity of our love and just couldn't handle the rush of feelings anymore. I cried, but I understood.

Let Me Take You to the Movies, Shorty

Yeah your boy bangs
And this track is dedicated to all the ladies out there that like to go to the movies
Especially you girl.
Let me take you to the movies, Shorty
I'm sure later on you will be my baby
Let's sit down and just be by my side
I got the popcorn I know what else you like.

Hey Shorty, you really looking nice
Let me take you to the movie cause I know you like
You got nothing to worry about
Hold the popcorn and the drink
Let me pay the money so we can get in.

Now hold my hand
And take a step to the door
Be careful don't fall
Let's sit on those two chairs alone
Watching a movie
So we can see what's going on.

Last night, I went to the movies for the first time in a long time. I went to see 'Inception' because it got five stars from some reviewer I don't care about and because someone said the magic words "Cheap Tuesday". I can't help it. "Cheap" is like my mating call.

I didn't go with Bangs, however. Just making that clear.

I have to say, previews are awesome. There was this one where 389742983749837 things blew up in two and a half minutes. It had much bass and that guy with the deep voice who would still sound direly serious if he was talking about the hors d'oeuvres he made for his sister's coming-out party. I think the movie was called "Shit Blows Up."

'Inception', however, was amazing. There's absolutely nothing bad I can say about that movie; sarcastically, seriously or otherwise. You have to go see it. GO SEE IT. GO SEE IT NOW.

You're still here. GO!!!!! Even my cat said it was awesome, and she only heard the excited synopsis from me.

But riddle me this: did the top stop spinning at the end...?

More NZDating Weirdery

I had planned to write about army dudes who kill goats with the power of their hippy-minds, the trauma of seeing a friend's flatmate dressed only in a morphsuit, and the experience of making a fool of myself on camera in order to win a morning tea with huge guys who are apparently kind of A Big Deal.

But my readers have told me (in no uncertain terms!) that what they want to see next is more NZDating weirdery. (I just made that word up. I really like it. So should you).

So, without further ado...

horny_30 (no longer a member of NZDating)

HIM: hay there im soo horny wanna help me out

ME: Yes, I can give you some advice.

1. Load google maps
2. Locate Manchester St
3. Find a hooker
4. *stuff*
5. All better.

You're welcome.

24 year old Male from Auckland seeking Relationships

HIM: YOU LOOK LIKE ME. SERIOUSLY

ME: This is true. I've often been told I closely resemble a yam.

HIM: i am the yammiest

ME: Is the picture of you naked in the closet supposed to be as overt a reference as it appears?

HIM: I do love penisis

ME: That's good to know.

HIM: ive got a lot of oil in me

ME: It's nice to meet you, Gulf of Mexico.

HIM: Yeah im going to kill myself I think with butter

ME: Will the butter be an environmental factor, or will you simply ingest so much that you die?

HIM: im going to seriously force it into my gullet. im so big and fat and full of fakeness, im just a big fake

ME: Oh. Well, I hope you have a lot of money. Butter's really expensive now.

HIM: I dont I will probably have to use margarine

ME: Margarine's a lot healthier than butter. I think you could possibly find that you get impossibly full before you've consumed a lethal amount.

HIM: please help

ME: I would, but I don't have any money for butter either. Sorry.

HIM: Just stomp on my face untill I die

ME: I'm pretty light. I don't think that would do much.

HIM: You are a pretty princess

ME: And you are so definitely not a pea.

35 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: wow love your pic looking hot

HIM: hey there horny lol bet u get that alot ah ?

ME: Being called 'horny lol'? No, usually people call me Anne.

HIM: lol how are you going tonight Anne ?

ME: I'm going very well, thanks for asking.

HIM: very welcome so did u like my pics at all

ME: I'm sorry, I don't think you sent me any pics?

HIM: ok here u go *naked torso pic*

ME: All I can see is a chest - poor dear, you've missed the head. I'm fairly sure I saw "Photography For Dummies" on special at Scorpio books - I could double check for you, if you'd like?

ME: ...Hello?

Urgent!

This afternoon at work, while I was trying to open a video from the Midwinter Christmas dinner party I went to on Saturday night (Windows Media Player wouldn't co-operate, but I suspect the video was of that guy who mimed fucking a cake while we were playing Charades), half a dozen emails arrived within the space of half an hour that were all labelled "urgent." Specifically, "urgent - required by close of business today".

I translate this to "please do this impossible task within 2 hours even though you're about to go into an hour-long meeting - I've heard you don't do any work anyway, and no one else could possibly want anything from you, so I'm sure you'll be able to dedicate yourself to what I want right away and get it magically done ten minutes ago - ta very muchly."

Now, I've gotten pretty good at prioritisation lately, but this was a whole new kettle of fish. So I put my frowny go-away face on so no one would ask me questions, took no breaks and went hell for leather to get it all done.

It did get me thinking though that there must be a better term out there than "urgent" (which really just means "roll your eyes, I'm being unrealistic again"). So I've come up with a few, in order of importance.

Catastrophically Urgent. If it doesn't get done, the world will actually blow up and we'll all be smashed into cosmic spacedust. It'll be like a scene from 2012 only better, but no one will be able to catch it on camera because the cameras are all cosmic spacedust too.

Truly Actually Urgently Vital. Failure to complete the stated task by its due date will cause irreparable damage to humanity; many, many people will die and the Earth will not be able to support our future generations.

Majorly Life-threateningly Urgent. If you don't do it, someone's gonna die - and that someone is you. Do it now.

Life-threateningly Urgent. Similar to the above, but it's someone else's head on the proverbial chopping block. You can probably leave it for a while.

So Urgent Baby Jesus is Going to Cry. Pretty self-explanatory, really. I hear that kid liked to whine about a lot of things though, so I wouldn't put off my manicure for it.

Mumsy Urgent. This includes things like doing the laundry so you have clean socks, visiting Grandma in the nursing home or doing the dishes so you can cook yourself a proper meal with veges and everything. In other words, "meh".

Urgent. If it isn't done, another manager is going to frown at your manager, your manager is going to frown at you, and then they'll both climb in their BMWs and whine about you over cocktails at the country club whilst you stay at work and finish that report that no one is going to take any notice of anyway. You may also get an 'Excellent' instead of 'Outstanding' on your end of year review.

Well now. That puts things in perspective. Turns out I should have just gone to the pub after all...

Deep and Meaningfuls

Time for another blog post. I could give you valuable insights into the human condition through the vehicle of witty allegory. I could provide you with useful information to guide you through this battlefield called life. But it's Saturday night, I'm tired and still somewhat hungover from last night. So instead you get more conversations with internet weirdoes from NZDating. Warning: they're rated AO. Don't continue reading if you're a kid or a nun or my Mum.

29 year old man seeking women for friendships

HIM: hows it going.keen for some fun baby

ME: Fun! Ooh, I love fun! Do you think we could go a poetry recital? They're always fun.

HIM: you look so yummy,id love to lick you baby all nite.

ME: How will you recite poetry if you're licking me? It would come out all "Mhuhuhmmemm. Arhghgh."

HIM: i wanna smell your pussy and lick it baby

ME: I don't think she'd be ok with that. I know she licks herself to get clean, but cats have special tongues that act like towels as well.

HIM: id love to slide my thick brown cock in you baby

ME: Yeah, see, I'm not sure my cat would get along with poultry either. If your cock is quite big, she possibly couldn't eat it, but they'd still get into a scrap and it would be awkward and unpleasant for everyone. I'm thinking possibly we're not a very good match for each other after all.

HIM: let me just lick you baby and make you orgasm.you make me so horny.

ME: I'm beginning to think we're misunderstanding each other.

HIM: ok sweet as

HIM: can i see a photo of your pussy

ME:

35 year old professional man seeking women for friendships

HIM: nice how r u

HIM: how r u

HIM: how r u>>>

ME: gd hw r u

HIM: awesome u look sooooooooooooooooooo hott u single???

ME: No. I'm actually married to a very rich businessman.

HIM: pity love to date u!!!u can see someone else???

ME: My husband goes away on business a lot. He's very rich and important.

HIM: awesome so we could meet??? u look damm hot

ME: I guess maybe we could, but I have to tell you that I'm very superstitious. I'd have some conditions. Are you ok with that?

HIM: sure what are they--also wouldnt ask for sex--
love to chat to u and get to know you

ME: Bad spirits that my jealous husband called forth follow me round and spy on me. So there'd be a cleansing ritual to go through before we met.

HIM: sure --would u be open to sex???

ME: I would need you to go to the top of the Port Hills at least one hour before I arrived. You'd need to start a campfire. Bring lots of fresh sage, some lavender cut under the light of a full moon, and a blue candle.

HIM: sure-- are you open to sex???

ME: Crush some of the sage between your hands and then sprinkle it on the fire. Pass the lavender flowers through the flame until they are singed. Then rub the charred flowers all over your body.

HIM: lovely--u want me naked whist I do it??? will it remove hair on my body???

ME: Naturally, and yes it will burn your hair off. I hope you're ok with that. Next you'll light the blue candle and burn more sage in its flame whilst chanting an incantation.

HIM: Hair on head?? or just Body hair--when u come will I be naked?? will u??? would we embrace on the hill???

ME: You need to repeat these words loudly, in a commanding voice, ten times whilst walking clockwise round the campfire, holding the candle and burning the sage:

"I am a douchebag because I tried it on with a married woman."

HIM: really