Be mine, be mine, tonight...

Oops. It appears I've forgotten to post for a very, very long time. If I have any subscribers left, hi! What have I been doing? Well, I tried to write a book and that didn't happen. I tried to write a new song and that didn't happen. I tried to keep my job, and that didn't happen - and then I tried to get a new one and that didn't happen either. I tried to have meaningful interactions with a male of the species and well... you can guess.

Following an unfortunate creepy stalking incident, I also deleted my NZDating profile. It's all fun and games until someone approaches you at the pub after recognising you, and won't take "fuck off, it's a joke profile" for an answer. So to those readers who followed me only for my (if I may say so) hilarious NZDating stories - sorry. The joke had run its course.

But while we're on the subject of relationships, I have been thinking about this subject a fair bit lately. A couple of weeks ago, on a cold and stormy night, I huddled under the heatpump with a blanket and my clichéd cat to watch the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". I'd seen bits of it years before on pay TV in a hotel room somewhere, but fell asleep before the end.

Everything they say makes sense  in theory. If a guy likes you, he'll ask for your number. If he doesn't, he won't. If he doesn't call you, he doesn't like you. Blah blah blah. The upshot of it is, we should just wait around for someone to like us enough to get our numbers and call us. If the girl does either of these things instead, she's needy and doomed to die alone, with her many cats eating her face.

All well and good - but is there a country in the world where it's still normal for guys to ask girls on dates? Or is it the domain of romantic comedies alone?

Case in point: me. Thirty-one, not entirely horrible to look at, I dress ok, have an alright job, can converse on current affairs with some competency and have been known at times to be funny. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been asked on a date, and still have enough fingers left over to open a beer. As for being asked for my number... well, I'm pretty sure that count currently stands at zero.

So it stands to reason that I can make eyes at the guy I'm currently drooling over as much as I like (knowing me, it's likely I appear rather more drunk or gassy than seductive) - it just isn't going to get me anywhere. And a male friend confirmed the other day "that's just not how it works anymore."

So, no matter how much it offends my inner romantic, it seems the 'kiwi way' is here to stay. You both get drunk at a party, one of you says "go home with me", and then if you don't hate each other in the morning, do it again. After a while one of you will either update your relationship status on facebook or start sleeping with other people. And that's pretty much it.

Sigh. I'm gonna need more cats...

The new normal

Looking at the date of my last entry, it's been more than three months. How rude! But blogging was part of 'normal' life, BQ. Along with walking to work, drinks with the girls at Liquidity, coffee and bagels on a Saturday morning and five-minute trips to the dairy for milk and eggs. 

Since February 22nd, life has felt like a particularly bad holiday. Sure, we still go to work, but it's from home, or from one of a dozen buildings, begging for a seat at any one of them and taking 20 minutes to start up the computer because it's downloading my whole profile to a machine I've never used before, and probably never will again. Milk and eggs require a trek to the supermarket. And for a while, even washing my tea-towels meant a half-hour walk to the one working laundromat anywhere near me. 

Entertainment was out. Either you had a house party, or you didn't catch up with anyone at all. After-work drinks with the girls? Ha! We were all working from different locations.

So that's my bitch about how life has been. Not that hard really, but gently depressing nonetheless. For a thrill, I did a photo-sequence of the DTZ building that housed my old dairy, being demolished. I'll post that next time. 

But things are looking up. The 'new normal' has settled into being. Yes, it takes me ages to go and get a loaf of bread. Yes, it's a 30 minute bus ride to get to work, and there are no cafes nearby. But I have a 'local' bar, and the girls are back together, and a semi-permanent place to park my laptop. And the countdown is on for Cashel Mall to reopen with shipping-crate shops in November. 

Even my singleness is back in action. Vampire Boy gave me the flick again - this time in a text message saying "I've met someone else." Wanker. It snowed on the day he did it. I made a snow cock-and balls and then smashed it. Take that, snow effigy.

Sooooooo... speaking of relationships. Check out the below video - it gave me my first belly-laugh in a long, long time. The guy is hilarious!

 

And he's cute, too.

If you liked that one, check out some of his others - 'MK loves the ladies' is another of my favourites, and guaranteed to delight and offend.

And because it's been a while and we're on that subject already... some NZDating fun for you!

27 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: nice photo, would u like to have your... eaten out?
HIM: Hmmm, not looking for much other than mutual satisfaction & relief... what are you looking for tonight?
ME: My keys. Have you seen them?

41 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Relationships

HIM: a bag over your head would be a good start haha
HIM: whow i nearly fell out of my seat when i saw your main pic you are a very hot sexy lady hi hows your weekend been ps was sorting out my camping gear today.
HIM: *photo*
HIM: hi are you keen to met 4 a coffee tuesday
ME: No.
HIM: ok did i say some thing
ME: No, sorry, just not interested.
HIM: so we were chatting fine have you suddenly had a persionality transplant or are you just a moody cow
HIM: hahaha i wounder why your still single could it be because your a total bitch hahahha
HIM: *blocks me*

Love is in the air

It's that time of year again, when everyone either whines about participating in the commercialism of love or whines about not participating in the commercialism of love. Ironically, no one ever seems to be particularly happy about Valentines Day, which is apparently supposed to be all about celebrating happiness.

I, of course, don't have a valentine of my own this year. If you believe the BBC, this is most likely because I have a cat. I've put together a short video to rectify this situation. 

 

So hot right now.

I'm quite certain commercialised demonstrations of love will begin pouring in any moment now. Maybe I'll land this stunner.

Meow!

Oh wait! here come the messages already!

32 year old Male from Southland seeking Friendships

HIM: when you say you have ridiculos high standards does that mean you expect high levels of ridiculos behaviour or that you are ridiculos to high standard??
ME: It means I'm ridiculously sure on how to spell ridiculous.

30 year old Make from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: hey u a bisset??lol
ME: Oh yes, Jacqueline is my grandmother's cousin or something, twice removed.
HIM: what??u tonis sister??
ME: I'm not familiar with Utonis, I'm afraid... is it anywhere near Brighton? I do so love Brighton in the summer.
HIM: haha bumcheeck.whgat yr number ??if wana meet??chat
ME: Although I consider myself rather intellectual for my sex, I cannot make head nor tail of your code. I'm frightfully sorry; may I have a clue?
HIM: u maybe silly but thats your enigma of understanding of life not mine bye
ME: ...

36 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: naughty little sausage
ME: But it goes so nicely between some buns.
HIM: ouch that might hurt a bit.. hope you aren't too rough
ME: Nah. Bit of pickle balances the flavour.
HIM: ...with a little hot sauce?
ME: Yes. I also like to add mayonnaise.
HIM: ... perhpas some light bondage as well ..some spanking across a gentle mans lap.. before being hoisted over his shoulder?
ME: You want to beat up my lunch and carry it away? How cruel!
HIM: cruel can be so sweet though... but really just to loosen it up and take it upstairs where there's a nicer place to eat
ME: But where are you taking my midday repast?
HIM: not too far... bound and gagged and in stiletto thigh boots, stockings, suspenders and a corset..heels high in the air and your mouth kept wet, kissed and sucked repast is never far away
ME: My poor hot dog. :(
HIM: awh.. some sweet penis in your meow moew and bottom won't hirt little hotdog.. hotdog can also have other scenarios where hot dog gets to dance and swing on chandaliers etc
ME: ...Did you really just say 'meow meow'...?!

29 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: Are you called Irulan because of Dune?
ME: Of course not. There was this interesting time-travelling jaunt I did once - met this dude called Frank, and you know how it goes... one thing led to another, it was all intense for about 36 hours, I left because I'd promised Jane Austen a visit - well, I get back to my own time eventually, browse a bookshop, and found he's named the wee Bene Gesserit lass after me! Originally she was called Chloe.

So... which one should I choose?

May the fleas of a thousand camels...

I don't know who I have pissed off, but I seem to have been cursed with the fleas of a thousand camels. Both my cat and my house have been treated twice, but when I sat down on my couch today for my weekly dose of porn Spartacus, I looked down and my fluffy slippers were covered with them. And I had checked before I sat down! They're not normal fleas. They're ninja fleas.

Perhaps it's some kind of judgement for lounging around in my trackies and slippers at three in the afternoon.

My legs are covered with so many ninja-flea bites, I look like I have leprosy. It's quite a hot look for me. I wonder if I can find someone with a leprosy fetish. If there's one out there, they're probably on NZDating.

Speaking of which - it's been a while since I've posted any conversations! So, without further ado...

30 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Relationships

HIM: ur hot ild love to fuck u
HIM: hi hows ya night going
ME: ...You didn't read my profile at all, did you?
HIM: yeah i did and i like what ur into im like u i mean i have de same interests
ME: Are you doing that on purpose to be ironic?
HIM: i dont know what u mean I just would like to get to know u i think ur a cool chick
ME: Yeah, I can see you hate text language just as much as I do.

39 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Relationships

HIM: Would love to fucky sucky your wham bam hole you are hot,
ME: Ooh, the rhyme game, yay!
You'd be lucky ducky, so scram sam; you are not.
HIM: Dobnt care too drunky eunky but you sare hot weould still,three way you and licl the cum from you your just hot what ever you say and you know it
ME: You're doing it wrong.

26 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: Heya hun hows things with you
ME: Hi Babe! I can call you babe, right? After all, we're such old friends that such familiarity is only natural...
HIM: Haha for sure huni, you remember me after so long lol sorry.
**3 hours later**
HIM: Hello you
ME: Still trying?
HIM: Haha yea god loves a trier 

39 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: Hello anne,how are we today ?
ME: 'We' are royally good.
HIM: Well then thats all gd ah lol
ME: And if I'd said 'we' were royally terrible...?
HIM: Would have said oh FUCK
ME: Well that would have been odd. I'm very glad I said 'royally good' instead.
HIM: Yea so am i,so wot you been up to?
ME: Oh, you know, just playing with idiots.
HIM: I reckon there b a few ah,glad nt one of them ah luv
ME: Oh, I'm sure you are very glad.

A Christmas Tree... in November

A few days ago, I put my Christmas tree up. Yes, early. I've been informed that it's bad luck to do that before December. But I figured hey, if all the stores can do it, and Ballantynes even dare to do their huge, nightmare-invoking creepy moving, talking window display shenanigans, then why not me too?

Well, it turns out I shouldn't have been so hasty to scoff at the superstitious weirdoes. Either it is bad luck, or I've somehow managed to spill a ton of salt on a mountain of broken mirrors and haven't noticed. ('cause I totally believe in that too). I'm having one of those weeks where you just know getting out of bed is a terrible idea.

Here's a random poem to illustrate the excrementality of my mood. I was trying to write a happy thing to make myself feel better.

Monday

The coffee in the bottom of the pot is too strong

Oily; and through its film

She imagines she can taste

The fulcrum on which everything rests.

Bagpipes are playing across the square.

It’s that tune that bagpipes always play

The one that everyone knows

But no one can name.

Happiness fail. But before I depress you to death, or worse, alienate every one of my reader (not a typo, unfortunately), I guess I'd better provide some funnies. 

Roll the NZDating hilarity!

HIM: Howz it going cutie
HIM: What you upto tonyte
ME: Polishing my special text-speaking-people assassination knife.
HIM: True so do you like what you see at all Cauz you look pretty dam hot
ME: Yeah, the blade's all shiny and stabby and beautiful and oh, so ready to go.
HIM: Btw you pretty dam hot and cute
HIM: Let me know when you wana talk about yourself other then the "KNIFE" lol xoxo
HIM: Hay cutie what you doing
ME: Sitting at my computer fervently hoping you will just shut up and go away. :(

HIM: Does it matter that I look like Quasi?
ME: Yes.

HIM: hello anne,havu had n ntrestng dae? or same shit dffrnt dae lol.luv ur complection
ME: jklsdj jioennu u839whuies dhguysghj. llpio! sdhfieh :)
HIM: holefeelucknnell wtf?
ME: Oh sorry, I thought I was speaking your language.

About A Boy

Whoa. It turns out it's been a while since I've blogged. I could whine about killing my computer (I'm sure it was traumatised by the earthquake - nothing to do with the way I treat my laptops... honest). Or I could say it's all your fault for not commenting on my posts to make me feel loved. Really though I've just been lazy. Also I've been kissing a boy.

Yes, I finally got conned into being in 'a relationship'. He makes me coffee in the mornings. Never underestimate the power of coffee over a girl's heart. Plus his Mum likes me. That was enough of a novelty to make me curious.

Nah. Seriously I like him because he's a vampire. All the kids tell me that's so 'in' right now.

Never fear, however! I still have my NZDating profile (albeit with an updated 'relationship status'). I know it's the only reason anyone reads these things. 

So, some things you missed over the past two months:

HIM: I just signed up to this thing and your the first message Ive sent. Your profile made me laugh, and you had me writting a message right after the part where you own books without pictures, Im an american so I dont know how to read. Im visiting your country this summer for two or three months. I live in alaska, im not as blond as you, 33yrs old, am a little better looking than you, and like to joke around and have fun. I dont know if this is going to go through so Ill keep it short, ohh im two meters tall plus a tiny bit.
ME: Ahahahaha, you think you're attractive. You're right. You do like to joke around.

HIM:  lol wat about idiots that can read . mm you're pretty sexy . ive seen you online alot . just didnt have the balls to message ya . wat part of town ya from ? hope to hear back from ya . oh and if ya want a pic i can send one via cell
ME: I'm from hidingfromyouville. It's a great suburb. Lots of people here.

HIM: a little puzzled Ok you seem great, interesting and funny but you are in a relationship. Also please explain what a semi-colon is? Sounds messy...id rather let a doctor deal with that....i have a whole intact colon so im fine.
ME: So... if I'm in a relationship, I shouldn't be great, interesting and funny? Last time I checked, the two states were not mutually exclusive. Hope this clears up the puzzlement.

HIM: hey. how are you? my name's stu.. am 29. i'm into having a good time... enjoy sport's. i am the youngest of four. and have five nephew's. would you like to chat. and go from there?
ME: Hi. I have a boyfriend and know where the apostrophe goes. Here's a clue: it's not in the doughnut.

Mansoon

So it seems it's Mansoon season once again.

For those not familiar with the concept, Mansoon season is that time when, after months or even years of nobody giving you a second look, let alone the time of day, it's like you've suddenly turned into Megan Fox, inherited a brewery and won the lotto, all overnight. Seemingly every guy friend, random, old flame and Adidas-wearing guy with B.O. who sings to himself at the bus stop* has decided you're not so repulsive after all and they wouldn't mind spending some quality time with you. It's bewildering, flattering, and temporary.

I've even gone on two actual dates - almost like a grown-up! Not as cool as Ally's fancy restaurant date, of course, but still, dates.

Over the years, my gal pals and I have theorised endlessly as to why this phenomenon occurs. Is it the time of year? Some ancestral throwback to the best time for cave gentleman and cave ladies to make cave babies? Or does it happen because we've finally accepted we'll be alone forever, and nature has decided it would be a beautiful irony?

Whatever the reason, Mansoon season invariably ends the same way. Confronted with such a smorgasbord of choices, I end up deciding on none, pissing them all off and they all run away again and leave me drinking wine and talking to my cat.

With this in mind, I've going to get into my comfy pants, eat a steak and cuddle up on the couch with my kitty and a romantic comedy until the rain blows away and all is normal again. And because this has not been a very funny post, here are some NZDating one-line wonders for you.

HIM: hi want to fuck
ME: hi want to fuck off?

HIM: *WARNING TEXT ALERT* Jokes :P ummm text language... wait how would that work if i cant text you? aka message you here? damn i'm outta luck then i guess
ME: I guess you are.

HIM: I honestly would hope that after spending 4 years at Uni and obtaining a BA in Psychology as well as commencing a Masters, if I didn't know how to string a sentence together I'd be pritty pissed. I am a hot nerd. I know how to take care of myself and those around me. I just hope that because I'm 22 that you don't rule me out.
ME: Oh no. I ruled you out because you misspelled "pretty".

HIM: Keen 4 a fuck sexy
ME: Why yes! Do you have an attractive friend that wants to do me?

HIM: hello how are you and really you have two beautiful eyes
ME: Yeah, the third one is pretty ugly.

* I made this bit up. I think that guy thinks I'm weird.

Pinny Nation!

Last weekend I did something I hadn't done in a long, long time... I took a holiday.

A real life girls' weekend, like normal people take! We drove to Geraldine (huge thanks to Emma for letting us invade her family holiday place!) and got stuck straight into the wine.

There was a catch, however... this was not just any girls' weekend - this was the Pinny Nation girls' weekend. That's right. I sewed.

Those of you who know me will be gasping with shock and horror right now. The most domestic thing I do is occasionally swipe at the bathroom sink when the toothpaste ickies get too thick. I can't cut in a straight line (I even failed at colouring-in when I was five). And if you've ever thrown me something breakable, you'll know that I have no hand-eye co-ordination whatsoever.

Still, this was a rite of passage... it had to be done.

Sure, it took many hours of swearing like a sailor, many more G&T's, and my fingertips resembled colanders filled with tomato, but in the end, I had a pinny!

The pinny of amazingness

Try not to look too closely - the pockets have holes in them, and I kept cutting the blue ribbon tape too short so there are bits kind of tacked on here and there to fill the gaps. Shut up. It's a pinny. And I made it.

With that done, we wore our pinnies around town and then got more drunk and ate lots. It rained and the yard flooded so we drank more.

The outdoor bath doubles as a rowboat when required

A 'Pinny Nation' flag was made but the sequins fell off so to fix it there was more wine. And we did facials too. Don't smoke with a tinfoil mask on your face. Don't ask why - just don't. Trust me.

I liked the paraffin bath that made my hands look like they were dead. It was satisfyingly creepy.

Braaaaaiiiiiins!

In honour of Pinny Nation, and my newfound seamstress goddess status, I give you a sewing-themed NZDating conversation (as always, completely real).

28 year old Male from West Coast seeking Relationships

HIM: hey there hows it gong? just wondering have ya got webcam?

ME: Hi there! Yes, I do. Do you have an 1889 vintage Singer sewing machine with treadle?

HIM: yeah i do u should add me on msn if your up for some fun or like to watch

ME: You'd let me watch you sew? On camera?

HIM: yep if your keen add me st*********22@windowslive.com im keen as hun

ME: It depends. What are you going to be sewing?

HIM: my cock hun
r u going to add me hun

ME: Interesting... so what'll it be? A wee foreskin dress so you can put makeup on it and pretend it's a little girl puppet?

HIM: yeah honey thats the one

ME: What colour thread are you using? This is important.

HIM: white i think

ME: Oh, no. Sorry, I'll give it a miss.

The Kitty and the Pitbull

So it's like Beauty and the Beast, but far more gut-wrenchingly romantic. Here, I bare my broken soul for you to bring you the story of the tumultuous, tempestuous ten-minute online love affair I had, and lost, tonight.

Please shed a tear for me that it was over so soon.


20 year old Male from Timaru & Oamaru seeking Relationships

HIM: Hey there sexy. Keen on a toy boy?

ME: I really like toys. Once I had this big box of Toro, which is like Lego but cheaper and crapper. I made a prison and had little toy cars be the prisoners and Barbie was God and it was oh so much fun.

HIM: We should get togetha so you can lock me up n b my sex goddess

ME: I had some fluffy handcuffs but unfortunately they were from the $2 shop and they weren't very good and they kind of broke. Then I used them as cat toys and my kitty just loves them! Do you have a kitty?

HIM: No I got a pitbull lol. Me n him are a bit alike. I get a lil savage and I looove to lick lol

ME: What do you like licking most? I like the paddle pops with the strip of chocolate through the middle, they're divine. x

HIM: I know id like to lick u .x. Perhaps we could play a game with some had cream sometime. Or some chocolate n a few ice cubes.

ME: Ice, ice baby... do you ever sing that song while you're in the shower, and do the moves that go along with it? I know I do.

HIM: Lol no I dont. Id love for you to show me

ME: My friend Robert Van Winkle can show you if you like; he gives private lessons to supplement the dole. Shall I sign you up?

HIM: Id rather you showed me lol

ME: Well, alright then. This is me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2nX41KvnNY

He didn't reply anymore after that. I think he was probably overwhelmed with the intensity of our love and just couldn't handle the rush of feelings anymore. I cried, but I understood.

More NZDating Weirdery

I had planned to write about army dudes who kill goats with the power of their hippy-minds, the trauma of seeing a friend's flatmate dressed only in a morphsuit, and the experience of making a fool of myself on camera in order to win a morning tea with huge guys who are apparently kind of A Big Deal.

But my readers have told me (in no uncertain terms!) that what they want to see next is more NZDating weirdery. (I just made that word up. I really like it. So should you).

So, without further ado...

horny_30 (no longer a member of NZDating)

HIM: hay there im soo horny wanna help me out

ME: Yes, I can give you some advice.

1. Load google maps
2. Locate Manchester St
3. Find a hooker
4. *stuff*
5. All better.

You're welcome.

24 year old Male from Auckland seeking Relationships

HIM: YOU LOOK LIKE ME. SERIOUSLY

ME: This is true. I've often been told I closely resemble a yam.

HIM: i am the yammiest

ME: Is the picture of you naked in the closet supposed to be as overt a reference as it appears?

HIM: I do love penisis

ME: That's good to know.

HIM: ive got a lot of oil in me

ME: It's nice to meet you, Gulf of Mexico.

HIM: Yeah im going to kill myself I think with butter

ME: Will the butter be an environmental factor, or will you simply ingest so much that you die?

HIM: im going to seriously force it into my gullet. im so big and fat and full of fakeness, im just a big fake

ME: Oh. Well, I hope you have a lot of money. Butter's really expensive now.

HIM: I dont I will probably have to use margarine

ME: Margarine's a lot healthier than butter. I think you could possibly find that you get impossibly full before you've consumed a lethal amount.

HIM: please help

ME: I would, but I don't have any money for butter either. Sorry.

HIM: Just stomp on my face untill I die

ME: I'm pretty light. I don't think that would do much.

HIM: You are a pretty princess

ME: And you are so definitely not a pea.

35 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: wow love your pic looking hot

HIM: hey there horny lol bet u get that alot ah ?

ME: Being called 'horny lol'? No, usually people call me Anne.

HIM: lol how are you going tonight Anne ?

ME: I'm going very well, thanks for asking.

HIM: very welcome so did u like my pics at all

ME: I'm sorry, I don't think you sent me any pics?

HIM: ok here u go *naked torso pic*

ME: All I can see is a chest - poor dear, you've missed the head. I'm fairly sure I saw "Photography For Dummies" on special at Scorpio books - I could double check for you, if you'd like?

ME: ...Hello?

Deep and Meaningfuls

Time for another blog post. I could give you valuable insights into the human condition through the vehicle of witty allegory. I could provide you with useful information to guide you through this battlefield called life. But it's Saturday night, I'm tired and still somewhat hungover from last night. So instead you get more conversations with internet weirdoes from NZDating. Warning: they're rated AO. Don't continue reading if you're a kid or a nun or my Mum.

29 year old man seeking women for friendships

HIM: hows it going.keen for some fun baby

ME: Fun! Ooh, I love fun! Do you think we could go a poetry recital? They're always fun.

HIM: you look so yummy,id love to lick you baby all nite.

ME: How will you recite poetry if you're licking me? It would come out all "Mhuhuhmmemm. Arhghgh."

HIM: i wanna smell your pussy and lick it baby

ME: I don't think she'd be ok with that. I know she licks herself to get clean, but cats have special tongues that act like towels as well.

HIM: id love to slide my thick brown cock in you baby

ME: Yeah, see, I'm not sure my cat would get along with poultry either. If your cock is quite big, she possibly couldn't eat it, but they'd still get into a scrap and it would be awkward and unpleasant for everyone. I'm thinking possibly we're not a very good match for each other after all.

HIM: let me just lick you baby and make you orgasm.you make me so horny.

ME: I'm beginning to think we're misunderstanding each other.

HIM: ok sweet as

HIM: can i see a photo of your pussy

ME:

35 year old professional man seeking women for friendships

HIM: nice how r u

HIM: how r u

HIM: how r u>>>

ME: gd hw r u

HIM: awesome u look sooooooooooooooooooo hott u single???

ME: No. I'm actually married to a very rich businessman.

HIM: pity love to date u!!!u can see someone else???

ME: My husband goes away on business a lot. He's very rich and important.

HIM: awesome so we could meet??? u look damm hot

ME: I guess maybe we could, but I have to tell you that I'm very superstitious. I'd have some conditions. Are you ok with that?

HIM: sure what are they--also wouldnt ask for sex--
love to chat to u and get to know you

ME: Bad spirits that my jealous husband called forth follow me round and spy on me. So there'd be a cleansing ritual to go through before we met.

HIM: sure --would u be open to sex???

ME: I would need you to go to the top of the Port Hills at least one hour before I arrived. You'd need to start a campfire. Bring lots of fresh sage, some lavender cut under the light of a full moon, and a blue candle.

HIM: sure-- are you open to sex???

ME: Crush some of the sage between your hands and then sprinkle it on the fire. Pass the lavender flowers through the flame until they are singed. Then rub the charred flowers all over your body.

HIM: lovely--u want me naked whist I do it??? will it remove hair on my body???

ME: Naturally, and yes it will burn your hair off. I hope you're ok with that. Next you'll light the blue candle and burn more sage in its flame whilst chanting an incantation.

HIM: Hair on head?? or just Body hair--when u come will I be naked?? will u??? would we embrace on the hill???

ME: You need to repeat these words loudly, in a commanding voice, ten times whilst walking clockwise round the campfire, holding the candle and burning the sage:

"I am a douchebag because I tried it on with a married woman."

HIM: really

Cyber Bullying

I'm being cyber bullied. The interweb is trying to make my feelings hurt.

It all started with Facebook. One day, when I had thirty spare seconds in which to obsessively check again whether anyone had invited me to one of their events and be sad when they hadn't, Facebook told me it was deleting all of my favourite books, music and interests. It was the online equivalent of pushing me over in the sandpit. Well, ok then. So I went back a few days later to fix it all up. I made the dreadful mistake of also ticking the profile box that says 'I'm single'.

Facebook took this information, gleefully posted it on all my friends' newsfeeds, and laughed behind its stupid blue hands when everyone commented. And then it began to taunt me in earnest.

Gone were the ads telling me I should buy pretty dresses,get free samples, adopt a lost cow and fight abdominal fat. Instead, it gave me this:



Low blow, Facebook. I'm SILIH ('Sitting Immobile, Laughing Inside Head' - it's more accurate than 'ROFL' or even 'LOL'. Not my original. A very funny guy made it up).

So I went back to NZDating. Surely a whole site full of desperate losers could make me feel good about myself again? Not so. NZDating told me I would die alone unless I paid them money. Ouch.

At least it gave me the best conversation I had all week.

HIM: How has your week been? Got any plans for the weekend?

ME: My week has been just fabulous. This weekend I have a dinner with work people and lunch with a friend.

HIM: Full on fun huh? So is it cold down there right now?

ME: Yes, freezing.

HIM: Booo. You know what might warm you up?

ME: My electric blanket? Cayenne pepper mixed with vodka? House fire?

HIM: A house fire started by an electric blanket that someone spilt cayenne pepper vodka on... or an orgasm.

ME: I'm not sure it's terribly safe to orgasm during a house fire.

HIM: Well if your house isnt on fire, I'm sure you will be fine for now... Do you have MSN?

ME: I just set it on fire. Should I not have done that?

HIM: It's probably for the best...

The NZDating Experiment - Part Deux

With an ad like mine, I wasn't expecting quite so many replies as I received. I won't bore you with a blow-by-blow of the eleventy billion "hi hows yr wknd" or "hae wats gng on cutie?? u up 4 a chat????" messages I received, all from 45 to 59 year old men (seriously? I have a Dad, I'm not really looking for another...!) Instead, here are some highlights from my week in messages.

The Pick-up Lines

"Is it hot around here, or is it just you?"

"So, I finally found you…the date of my dreams!"

"Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself."

And my very favourite...

"Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

The Slightly Disturbing

"Fancy some memorable fun and excitement ? Hi Im down in CHCH Mon-Wed next week on business for my IT company Im looking for someone to join me for interesting conversation, wine, kissing, and fantastic sex in my 5* hotel room in town - days or nights Interested in an adventure?"

"Something tells me you're sweet - just like me!"

"I was not aware carrots had legs anyway, well I would not wish to be a carrot this time of year, stuck in the freezing ground and nothing to do."

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -- more than ruin -- more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."

The Just Plain Wrong

Hi there, Would you be interested in having a submissive male to please and pamper you, to do what ever you want when you want?? Perhaps someone to please you sexually or someone to do the things that you don't want to do. If that sounds appealing i would welcome a reply from you. Perhaps i could help satisfy you the way YOU WANT! I look forward to your reply."

"I liked your profile except the part about killing spiders, is ok if the are white tails, apart from that I like spiders."

"I'll be honest I'm only 20 but please just hear me out. I don't know what it is but I prefer the company of a woman older than my myself as opposed to a young one,as i seem to gel better with women older than me. Plus they are more mature than girls my age and have it together. So would love to get to know you and you to know me. So, yeah, message me if you're keen."

"hi there how are you? ok this is a bit out there but is just a question ok,,, are you open to anything kinky? ever been interested in trying a strapon on a guy? if not just say. thanks."

In addition to these, I found some dude I once met in a pub who claimed to be Irish Roman Catholic, allergic to water and gave me a long, intense story about scarfies, scurvy and how AIDS really spreads (I only talked to him because he could blow epic smoke rings and had a beret).

To be fair, they're not all bad. I came across one genuinely interesting, intelligent, educated, attractive guy. After I messaged him, he took his advert down. Rumour has it he changed his name and fled to Alaska. Sigh.

So there you have it, folks, that's my story... have you had any experience with online dating? Do share.

The NZDating Experiment

So, let's kick this off with a tale of woe. Last Friday night at the obligatory after-work drinkies, a friend of mine was brutally honest with me. "Oh," she said "blah blah's not interested in you." (blah blah being my latest ill-conceived crush). I wasn't surprised. My track record with men over the past year has been abysmal.

Hung-over and teary-eyed the next morning, I decided to try some brutal honesty of my own. Who hasn't heard of NZDating? I figured I'd cheer myself up with a little entertainment. Long story short, I created a profile no man in his right mind would ever want to click on, under the pseudonym "Irulan" (the rejected princess from Dune... oh, I really am a geek!). And here it is:



Burnt carrots don't have legs

Ah, great, a chance to talk about myself. I love doing that almost as much as I love cleaning the loo and killing giant spiders.

I'm a chainsmoking crazy cat lady who hates to clean, isn't very good at cooking and is selfish and a wee bit mean sometimes. I have a B.Com, can spell, own books that don't have pictures in them and really love sarcasm.

I detest long walks on the beach and really like nights at the pub where I drink a bit too much and say whatever comes into my head, no matter how inappropriate it is.

I write poetry and sad songs which I strum on my guitar when I suddenly remember I haven't picked it up in three months and feel guilty for neglecting it.

I'm practically married to my work and frankly I'm damn good at it. I'm a commitment-phobe, easily bored by people, like spending time alone and hypocrisy is my greatest virtue.

Queue forms to the left. No pushing.

The important characteristics I'm looking for:

I have ridiculously high standards - i.e. an IQ above that of a lemur, good hygiene and an appreciation for music and the written word. I like hot nerds. Not the little candy things that come in two colours in the little paper box that you've for some reason put in the microwave; actual hot nerds.

Knowing how to use a semicolon would be a bonus. Be warned, I won't reply to your message if it's in txt language.

Watch this space for the hilarity that ensued. You're in for a treat!