15 January 2011

A Star by Any Other Name...

Forget people dying in floods, earthquakes, or giving up on the guys in the mine. The sizzling hot news of the moment is Ophiuchus.

Apparently, astrologers failed to take into account the wobbly tilt of the earth, the movement of the sun between constellations, and of course the fact that it's all a crock of sheissenhausen. None of this is too surprising. Putting on a boho skirt and running around barefoot has been scientifically proven to cause significantly reduced brain function. Or perhaps it's the other way round. Also, I made up the scientifically part.

Anyway, ostensibly because of all this, there's now a 13th sign of the Zodiac - Ophiuchus. The real reason is because of Virgo. After all, it's the 21st century, everyone's stopped listening to the Jonas Brothers, and virgins are so passé. So along comes Ophiuchus - the dude with the ugly name that sounds like someone's trying to swear and swallow raw oysters at the same time - and Ophiuchus, handily enough, is the serpent holder. He sidles up to her, and goes "Hey good lookin', I'm new here in the zodiac. Wanna hold my snake?"

Oh, Virgo. He won't call you in the morning.

Every guy is going to want to be this sign. Ophiuchus is bad-ass. 

But the astrologers aren't worried about Virgo, soon to be re-named Preggo. Their beef is that with 13 signs now, everything needed a re-jig. Once an Aquarius, I am now a Capricorn. The horror! No longer can I reject the Leos because my Aquarian aloofness would annoy their stereotypical pride. Actually, my whole personality is going to have to change. No more am I aloof and creative - now I'm just careful and a bit stuck-up. Ah, woe!

Because this has only just come out, the battered weekly magazines in the staffroom with the pictures of Charlize Theron in a low-cut top mysteriously cut out probably won't have your 'new' sign in them yet. As I know you're all keen to know about meeting strangers and planning trips and avoiding financial pitfalls, I have kindly put together your horoscope for Monday, the 17th of January. 

Capricorn Jan 20 - Feb 16
A handsome stranger will walk by without looking at you. You will get black stuff on your face when you're cleaning and your nose gets itchy.

Aquarius Feb 16 - Mar 11
You will run out of milk. Also, you will be annoyed by something you watch on TV. Don't kill the yappy dog two doors down - it's just crazy enough to come back as a zombie dog like the animals did in Pet Sematary.

Pisces Mar 11- Apr 18
You have spinach between your teeth.
Aries Apr 18- May 13
Today you will fall madly in love with the way your hair looks in the mirror. Unfortunately it's windy and your perfect hair day will end as soon as you step outside. 
Taurus May 13- Jun 21
You or someone you care about will get fired. You will hope it's someone you care about instead of you.

Gemini Jun 21- Jul 20
You're going to win lotto. For serious.

Cancer Jul 20- Aug 10
The doctor's going to give you some bad news. But at least you'll be able to laugh at the irony.

Leo Aug 10- Sep 16
Your cat will bring you a dead bird. You will tell him or her off but you will secretly be proud. If you really have to watch that porn, at least clear the browsing history. Your brother doesn't need to know you're into that.

Virgo Sep 16- Oct 30
The supermarket will sell out of your favourite brand of shampoo. You'll hit an old lady with your trolley and she's going to whack you with her walking stick. You probably deserve it. Also, you're pregnant.

Libra Oct 30- Nov 23
You'll  be visited by Aunt Flo later in the evening. Cancel your date.

Scorpio Nov 23- Nov 29
Tonight you will go out on the town and begin singing the 'Scorpio Girls' song to a girl in a bar because you still think, after all this time, that it's funny. You don't sound anything like Supergroove and she's going to go home with the bald guy instead. You'll get the lonely fat girl in the corner if you want, though.

Ophiuchus Nov 29- Dec 17
You only just found out you were this sign, and now you're about to find out you're adopted, too.

Sagittarius Dec 17- Jan 20
You're going to sneeze on your boss. One of those gross ones, with the big blob of green phlegm. Oh, and your significant other used the last of the toilet paper. Keep the yellow pages handy.

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