A Christmas Tree... in November

A few days ago, I put my Christmas tree up. Yes, early. I've been informed that it's bad luck to do that before December. But I figured hey, if all the stores can do it, and Ballantynes even dare to do their huge, nightmare-invoking creepy moving, talking window display shenanigans, then why not me too?

Well, it turns out I shouldn't have been so hasty to scoff at the superstitious weirdoes. Either it is bad luck, or I've somehow managed to spill a ton of salt on a mountain of broken mirrors and haven't noticed. ('cause I totally believe in that too). I'm having one of those weeks where you just know getting out of bed is a terrible idea.

Here's a random poem to illustrate the excrementality of my mood. I was trying to write a happy thing to make myself feel better.

Monday

The coffee in the bottom of the pot is too strong

Oily; and through its film

She imagines she can taste

The fulcrum on which everything rests.

Bagpipes are playing across the square.

It’s that tune that bagpipes always play

The one that everyone knows

But no one can name.

Happiness fail. But before I depress you to death, or worse, alienate every one of my reader (not a typo, unfortunately), I guess I'd better provide some funnies. 

Roll the NZDating hilarity!

HIM: Howz it going cutie
HIM: What you upto tonyte
ME: Polishing my special text-speaking-people assassination knife.
HIM: True so do you like what you see at all Cauz you look pretty dam hot
ME: Yeah, the blade's all shiny and stabby and beautiful and oh, so ready to go.
HIM: Btw you pretty dam hot and cute
HIM: Let me know when you wana talk about yourself other then the "KNIFE" lol xoxo
HIM: Hay cutie what you doing
ME: Sitting at my computer fervently hoping you will just shut up and go away. :(

HIM: Does it matter that I look like Quasi?
ME: Yes.

HIM: hello anne,havu had n ntrestng dae? or same shit dffrnt dae lol.luv ur complection
ME: jklsdj jioennu u839whuies dhguysghj. llpio! sdhfieh :)
HIM: holefeelucknnell wtf?
ME: Oh sorry, I thought I was speaking your language.

About A Boy

Whoa. It turns out it's been a while since I've blogged. I could whine about killing my computer (I'm sure it was traumatised by the earthquake - nothing to do with the way I treat my laptops... honest). Or I could say it's all your fault for not commenting on my posts to make me feel loved. Really though I've just been lazy. Also I've been kissing a boy.

Yes, I finally got conned into being in 'a relationship'. He makes me coffee in the mornings. Never underestimate the power of coffee over a girl's heart. Plus his Mum likes me. That was enough of a novelty to make me curious.

Nah. Seriously I like him because he's a vampire. All the kids tell me that's so 'in' right now.

Never fear, however! I still have my NZDating profile (albeit with an updated 'relationship status'). I know it's the only reason anyone reads these things. 

So, some things you missed over the past two months:

HIM: I just signed up to this thing and your the first message Ive sent. Your profile made me laugh, and you had me writting a message right after the part where you own books without pictures, Im an american so I dont know how to read. Im visiting your country this summer for two or three months. I live in alaska, im not as blond as you, 33yrs old, am a little better looking than you, and like to joke around and have fun. I dont know if this is going to go through so Ill keep it short, ohh im two meters tall plus a tiny bit.
ME: Ahahahaha, you think you're attractive. You're right. You do like to joke around.

HIM:  lol wat about idiots that can read . mm you're pretty sexy . ive seen you online alot . just didnt have the balls to message ya . wat part of town ya from ? hope to hear back from ya . oh and if ya want a pic i can send one via cell
ME: I'm from hidingfromyouville. It's a great suburb. Lots of people here.

HIM: a little puzzled Ok you seem great, interesting and funny but you are in a relationship. Also please explain what a semi-colon is? Sounds messy...id rather let a doctor deal with that....i have a whole intact colon so im fine.
ME: So... if I'm in a relationship, I shouldn't be great, interesting and funny? Last time I checked, the two states were not mutually exclusive. Hope this clears up the puzzlement.

HIM: hey. how are you? my name's stu.. am 29. i'm into having a good time... enjoy sport's. i am the youngest of four. and have five nephew's. would you like to chat. and go from there?
ME: Hi. I have a boyfriend and know where the apostrophe goes. Here's a clue: it's not in the doughnut.

Shake shake shake... shake shake shake...

I've been told that blogging about the earthquake is the done thing. The truth is, I'm a bit bored of the earthquake. After a whole week of nothing but earthquake talk, I think I'd rather discuss wigs for kittens. Or perhaps the proper etiquette for licking your plate.

Yet, it happened. I was in a tree house at the time, having a three-way with John Key and Paul Holmes. (No, not really, but it makes the earthquake seem almost pleasant in comparison, doesn't it?!).

In reality, I woke up in the doorway, unable to see anything because all the lights had gone out, having no idea quite how I'd got there. I then proceeded to sob "please stop please stop please please please stop" while my mind went "Oh, right. That emergency kit you were going to get around to updating? ...Yeah..." Then I heard glass smashing and that's when it became A Real Earthquake. A Real Earthquake is something you see in the movies, or on the news in one of those places you have a sneaking suspicion they may have made up, like Haiti or Auckland.

As soon as the shaking stopped, I had an undeniable urge to be anywhere other than underneath another storey in an apartment I hadn't ever wondered at the strength of. So I hightailed it outside in my trackies and my trusty XT t-shirt, complemented nicely by a big coat and my black flats with the bows on them, and accessorised with panda eyes and frizzy ex-ponytail hair.

Luckily there were no streetlights. I cursed myself for having picked that day to try giving up smoking again. There were only three left in the packet. I smoked them all within half an hour while I answered calls and texts. I don't think I've ever been so popular.

I met my neighbours, which was something. I wonder why we chose to wait for the building to almost fall down around us before we introduced ourselves. Perhaps we did it then in case one of us ended up falling through the ceiling onto another's kitchen floor. In that situation, "Thanks for dropping in, uh... er... um... thanks for dropping in," could be awkward.

One neighbour was particularly nice and let me sit in her car where it was warm. She was wearing trackies and badly-matched shoes too. We listened to the radio and smoked her cigarettes until the sun came up. Then I went and bought cigarettes from the dairy before the cordons were brought in. Priorities.

I even have an earthquake injury! Well, kind of. I fell through a grate when a friend dropped me off and I didn't think about what could be in the gutter. I got stuck and they had to help haul me out and my boot filled up with gross muddy water. Now my knees are all bruised black and purple.

But hey! It could be worse - at least it's not a John Key/Paul Holmes threesome sex injury. (*shudder*).

By popular request, I wrote a song about the earthquake. It's called "4:35". I hope you like it. Try to pretend you can't hear the wheezing from all those cigarettes on the high notes.

Mansoon

So it seems it's Mansoon season once again.

For those not familiar with the concept, Mansoon season is that time when, after months or even years of nobody giving you a second look, let alone the time of day, it's like you've suddenly turned into Megan Fox, inherited a brewery and won the lotto, all overnight. Seemingly every guy friend, random, old flame and Adidas-wearing guy with B.O. who sings to himself at the bus stop* has decided you're not so repulsive after all and they wouldn't mind spending some quality time with you. It's bewildering, flattering, and temporary.

I've even gone on two actual dates - almost like a grown-up! Not as cool as Ally's fancy restaurant date, of course, but still, dates.

Over the years, my gal pals and I have theorised endlessly as to why this phenomenon occurs. Is it the time of year? Some ancestral throwback to the best time for cave gentleman and cave ladies to make cave babies? Or does it happen because we've finally accepted we'll be alone forever, and nature has decided it would be a beautiful irony?

Whatever the reason, Mansoon season invariably ends the same way. Confronted with such a smorgasbord of choices, I end up deciding on none, pissing them all off and they all run away again and leave me drinking wine and talking to my cat.

With this in mind, I've going to get into my comfy pants, eat a steak and cuddle up on the couch with my kitty and a romantic comedy until the rain blows away and all is normal again. And because this has not been a very funny post, here are some NZDating one-line wonders for you.

HIM: hi want to fuck
ME: hi want to fuck off?

HIM: *WARNING TEXT ALERT* Jokes :P ummm text language... wait how would that work if i cant text you? aka message you here? damn i'm outta luck then i guess
ME: I guess you are.

HIM: I honestly would hope that after spending 4 years at Uni and obtaining a BA in Psychology as well as commencing a Masters, if I didn't know how to string a sentence together I'd be pritty pissed. I am a hot nerd. I know how to take care of myself and those around me. I just hope that because I'm 22 that you don't rule me out.
ME: Oh no. I ruled you out because you misspelled "pretty".

HIM: Keen 4 a fuck sexy
ME: Why yes! Do you have an attractive friend that wants to do me?

HIM: hello how are you and really you have two beautiful eyes
ME: Yeah, the third one is pretty ugly.

* I made this bit up. I think that guy thinks I'm weird.

Pinny Nation!

Last weekend I did something I hadn't done in a long, long time... I took a holiday.

A real life girls' weekend, like normal people take! We drove to Geraldine (huge thanks to Emma for letting us invade her family holiday place!) and got stuck straight into the wine.

There was a catch, however... this was not just any girls' weekend - this was the Pinny Nation girls' weekend. That's right. I sewed.

Those of you who know me will be gasping with shock and horror right now. The most domestic thing I do is occasionally swipe at the bathroom sink when the toothpaste ickies get too thick. I can't cut in a straight line (I even failed at colouring-in when I was five). And if you've ever thrown me something breakable, you'll know that I have no hand-eye co-ordination whatsoever.

Still, this was a rite of passage... it had to be done.

Sure, it took many hours of swearing like a sailor, many more G&T's, and my fingertips resembled colanders filled with tomato, but in the end, I had a pinny!

The pinny of amazingness

Try not to look too closely - the pockets have holes in them, and I kept cutting the blue ribbon tape too short so there are bits kind of tacked on here and there to fill the gaps. Shut up. It's a pinny. And I made it.

With that done, we wore our pinnies around town and then got more drunk and ate lots. It rained and the yard flooded so we drank more.

The outdoor bath doubles as a rowboat when required

A 'Pinny Nation' flag was made but the sequins fell off so to fix it there was more wine. And we did facials too. Don't smoke with a tinfoil mask on your face. Don't ask why - just don't. Trust me.

I liked the paraffin bath that made my hands look like they were dead. It was satisfyingly creepy.

Braaaaaiiiiiins!

In honour of Pinny Nation, and my newfound seamstress goddess status, I give you a sewing-themed NZDating conversation (as always, completely real).

28 year old Male from West Coast seeking Relationships

HIM: hey there hows it gong? just wondering have ya got webcam?

ME: Hi there! Yes, I do. Do you have an 1889 vintage Singer sewing machine with treadle?

HIM: yeah i do u should add me on msn if your up for some fun or like to watch

ME: You'd let me watch you sew? On camera?

HIM: yep if your keen add me st*********22@windowslive.com im keen as hun

ME: It depends. What are you going to be sewing?

HIM: my cock hun
r u going to add me hun

ME: Interesting... so what'll it be? A wee foreskin dress so you can put makeup on it and pretend it's a little girl puppet?

HIM: yeah honey thats the one

ME: What colour thread are you using? This is important.

HIM: white i think

ME: Oh, no. Sorry, I'll give it a miss.

The Kitty and the Pitbull

So it's like Beauty and the Beast, but far more gut-wrenchingly romantic. Here, I bare my broken soul for you to bring you the story of the tumultuous, tempestuous ten-minute online love affair I had, and lost, tonight.

Please shed a tear for me that it was over so soon.


20 year old Male from Timaru & Oamaru seeking Relationships

HIM: Hey there sexy. Keen on a toy boy?

ME: I really like toys. Once I had this big box of Toro, which is like Lego but cheaper and crapper. I made a prison and had little toy cars be the prisoners and Barbie was God and it was oh so much fun.

HIM: We should get togetha so you can lock me up n b my sex goddess

ME: I had some fluffy handcuffs but unfortunately they were from the $2 shop and they weren't very good and they kind of broke. Then I used them as cat toys and my kitty just loves them! Do you have a kitty?

HIM: No I got a pitbull lol. Me n him are a bit alike. I get a lil savage and I looove to lick lol

ME: What do you like licking most? I like the paddle pops with the strip of chocolate through the middle, they're divine. x

HIM: I know id like to lick u .x. Perhaps we could play a game with some had cream sometime. Or some chocolate n a few ice cubes.

ME: Ice, ice baby... do you ever sing that song while you're in the shower, and do the moves that go along with it? I know I do.

HIM: Lol no I dont. Id love for you to show me

ME: My friend Robert Van Winkle can show you if you like; he gives private lessons to supplement the dole. Shall I sign you up?

HIM: Id rather you showed me lol

ME: Well, alright then. This is me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2nX41KvnNY

He didn't reply anymore after that. I think he was probably overwhelmed with the intensity of our love and just couldn't handle the rush of feelings anymore. I cried, but I understood.

Let Me Take You to the Movies, Shorty

Yeah your boy bangs
And this track is dedicated to all the ladies out there that like to go to the movies
Especially you girl.
Let me take you to the movies, Shorty
I'm sure later on you will be my baby
Let's sit down and just be by my side
I got the popcorn I know what else you like.

Hey Shorty, you really looking nice
Let me take you to the movie cause I know you like
You got nothing to worry about
Hold the popcorn and the drink
Let me pay the money so we can get in.

Now hold my hand
And take a step to the door
Be careful don't fall
Let's sit on those two chairs alone
Watching a movie
So we can see what's going on.

Last night, I went to the movies for the first time in a long time. I went to see 'Inception' because it got five stars from some reviewer I don't care about and because someone said the magic words "Cheap Tuesday". I can't help it. "Cheap" is like my mating call.

I didn't go with Bangs, however. Just making that clear.

I have to say, previews are awesome. There was this one where 389742983749837 things blew up in two and a half minutes. It had much bass and that guy with the deep voice who would still sound direly serious if he was talking about the hors d'oeuvres he made for his sister's coming-out party. I think the movie was called "Shit Blows Up."

'Inception', however, was amazing. There's absolutely nothing bad I can say about that movie; sarcastically, seriously or otherwise. You have to go see it. GO SEE IT. GO SEE IT NOW.

You're still here. GO!!!!! Even my cat said it was awesome, and she only heard the excited synopsis from me.

But riddle me this: did the top stop spinning at the end...?

More NZDating Weirdery

I had planned to write about army dudes who kill goats with the power of their hippy-minds, the trauma of seeing a friend's flatmate dressed only in a morphsuit, and the experience of making a fool of myself on camera in order to win a morning tea with huge guys who are apparently kind of A Big Deal.

But my readers have told me (in no uncertain terms!) that what they want to see next is more NZDating weirdery. (I just made that word up. I really like it. So should you).

So, without further ado...

horny_30 (no longer a member of NZDating)

HIM: hay there im soo horny wanna help me out

ME: Yes, I can give you some advice.

1. Load google maps
2. Locate Manchester St
3. Find a hooker
4. *stuff*
5. All better.

You're welcome.

24 year old Male from Auckland seeking Relationships

HIM: YOU LOOK LIKE ME. SERIOUSLY

ME: This is true. I've often been told I closely resemble a yam.

HIM: i am the yammiest

ME: Is the picture of you naked in the closet supposed to be as overt a reference as it appears?

HIM: I do love penisis

ME: That's good to know.

HIM: ive got a lot of oil in me

ME: It's nice to meet you, Gulf of Mexico.

HIM: Yeah im going to kill myself I think with butter

ME: Will the butter be an environmental factor, or will you simply ingest so much that you die?

HIM: im going to seriously force it into my gullet. im so big and fat and full of fakeness, im just a big fake

ME: Oh. Well, I hope you have a lot of money. Butter's really expensive now.

HIM: I dont I will probably have to use margarine

ME: Margarine's a lot healthier than butter. I think you could possibly find that you get impossibly full before you've consumed a lethal amount.

HIM: please help

ME: I would, but I don't have any money for butter either. Sorry.

HIM: Just stomp on my face untill I die

ME: I'm pretty light. I don't think that would do much.

HIM: You are a pretty princess

ME: And you are so definitely not a pea.

35 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: wow love your pic looking hot

HIM: hey there horny lol bet u get that alot ah ?

ME: Being called 'horny lol'? No, usually people call me Anne.

HIM: lol how are you going tonight Anne ?

ME: I'm going very well, thanks for asking.

HIM: very welcome so did u like my pics at all

ME: I'm sorry, I don't think you sent me any pics?

HIM: ok here u go *naked torso pic*

ME: All I can see is a chest - poor dear, you've missed the head. I'm fairly sure I saw "Photography For Dummies" on special at Scorpio books - I could double check for you, if you'd like?

ME: ...Hello?

Urgent!

This afternoon at work, while I was trying to open a video from the Midwinter Christmas dinner party I went to on Saturday night (Windows Media Player wouldn't co-operate, but I suspect the video was of that guy who mimed fucking a cake while we were playing Charades), half a dozen emails arrived within the space of half an hour that were all labelled "urgent." Specifically, "urgent - required by close of business today".

I translate this to "please do this impossible task within 2 hours even though you're about to go into an hour-long meeting - I've heard you don't do any work anyway, and no one else could possibly want anything from you, so I'm sure you'll be able to dedicate yourself to what I want right away and get it magically done ten minutes ago - ta very muchly."

Now, I've gotten pretty good at prioritisation lately, but this was a whole new kettle of fish. So I put my frowny go-away face on so no one would ask me questions, took no breaks and went hell for leather to get it all done.

It did get me thinking though that there must be a better term out there than "urgent" (which really just means "roll your eyes, I'm being unrealistic again"). So I've come up with a few, in order of importance.

Catastrophically Urgent. If it doesn't get done, the world will actually blow up and we'll all be smashed into cosmic spacedust. It'll be like a scene from 2012 only better, but no one will be able to catch it on camera because the cameras are all cosmic spacedust too.

Truly Actually Urgently Vital. Failure to complete the stated task by its due date will cause irreparable damage to humanity; many, many people will die and the Earth will not be able to support our future generations.

Majorly Life-threateningly Urgent. If you don't do it, someone's gonna die - and that someone is you. Do it now.

Life-threateningly Urgent. Similar to the above, but it's someone else's head on the proverbial chopping block. You can probably leave it for a while.

So Urgent Baby Jesus is Going to Cry. Pretty self-explanatory, really. I hear that kid liked to whine about a lot of things though, so I wouldn't put off my manicure for it.

Mumsy Urgent. This includes things like doing the laundry so you have clean socks, visiting Grandma in the nursing home or doing the dishes so you can cook yourself a proper meal with veges and everything. In other words, "meh".

Urgent. If it isn't done, another manager is going to frown at your manager, your manager is going to frown at you, and then they'll both climb in their BMWs and whine about you over cocktails at the country club whilst you stay at work and finish that report that no one is going to take any notice of anyway. You may also get an 'Excellent' instead of 'Outstanding' on your end of year review.

Well now. That puts things in perspective. Turns out I should have just gone to the pub after all...

Deep and Meaningfuls

Time for another blog post. I could give you valuable insights into the human condition through the vehicle of witty allegory. I could provide you with useful information to guide you through this battlefield called life. But it's Saturday night, I'm tired and still somewhat hungover from last night. So instead you get more conversations with internet weirdoes from NZDating. Warning: they're rated AO. Don't continue reading if you're a kid or a nun or my Mum.

29 year old man seeking women for friendships

HIM: hows it going.keen for some fun baby

ME: Fun! Ooh, I love fun! Do you think we could go a poetry recital? They're always fun.

HIM: you look so yummy,id love to lick you baby all nite.

ME: How will you recite poetry if you're licking me? It would come out all "Mhuhuhmmemm. Arhghgh."

HIM: i wanna smell your pussy and lick it baby

ME: I don't think she'd be ok with that. I know she licks herself to get clean, but cats have special tongues that act like towels as well.

HIM: id love to slide my thick brown cock in you baby

ME: Yeah, see, I'm not sure my cat would get along with poultry either. If your cock is quite big, she possibly couldn't eat it, but they'd still get into a scrap and it would be awkward and unpleasant for everyone. I'm thinking possibly we're not a very good match for each other after all.

HIM: let me just lick you baby and make you orgasm.you make me so horny.

ME: I'm beginning to think we're misunderstanding each other.

HIM: ok sweet as

HIM: can i see a photo of your pussy

ME:

35 year old professional man seeking women for friendships

HIM: nice how r u

HIM: how r u

HIM: how r u>>>

ME: gd hw r u

HIM: awesome u look sooooooooooooooooooo hott u single???

ME: No. I'm actually married to a very rich businessman.

HIM: pity love to date u!!!u can see someone else???

ME: My husband goes away on business a lot. He's very rich and important.

HIM: awesome so we could meet??? u look damm hot

ME: I guess maybe we could, but I have to tell you that I'm very superstitious. I'd have some conditions. Are you ok with that?

HIM: sure what are they--also wouldnt ask for sex--
love to chat to u and get to know you

ME: Bad spirits that my jealous husband called forth follow me round and spy on me. So there'd be a cleansing ritual to go through before we met.

HIM: sure --would u be open to sex???

ME: I would need you to go to the top of the Port Hills at least one hour before I arrived. You'd need to start a campfire. Bring lots of fresh sage, some lavender cut under the light of a full moon, and a blue candle.

HIM: sure-- are you open to sex???

ME: Crush some of the sage between your hands and then sprinkle it on the fire. Pass the lavender flowers through the flame until they are singed. Then rub the charred flowers all over your body.

HIM: lovely--u want me naked whist I do it??? will it remove hair on my body???

ME: Naturally, and yes it will burn your hair off. I hope you're ok with that. Next you'll light the blue candle and burn more sage in its flame whilst chanting an incantation.

HIM: Hair on head?? or just Body hair--when u come will I be naked?? will u??? would we embrace on the hill???

ME: You need to repeat these words loudly, in a commanding voice, ten times whilst walking clockwise round the campfire, holding the candle and burning the sage:

"I am a douchebag because I tried it on with a married woman."

HIM: really

Cyber Bullying

I'm being cyber bullied. The interweb is trying to make my feelings hurt.

It all started with Facebook. One day, when I had thirty spare seconds in which to obsessively check again whether anyone had invited me to one of their events and be sad when they hadn't, Facebook told me it was deleting all of my favourite books, music and interests. It was the online equivalent of pushing me over in the sandpit. Well, ok then. So I went back a few days later to fix it all up. I made the dreadful mistake of also ticking the profile box that says 'I'm single'.

Facebook took this information, gleefully posted it on all my friends' newsfeeds, and laughed behind its stupid blue hands when everyone commented. And then it began to taunt me in earnest.

Gone were the ads telling me I should buy pretty dresses,get free samples, adopt a lost cow and fight abdominal fat. Instead, it gave me this:



Low blow, Facebook. I'm SILIH ('Sitting Immobile, Laughing Inside Head' - it's more accurate than 'ROFL' or even 'LOL'. Not my original. A very funny guy made it up).

So I went back to NZDating. Surely a whole site full of desperate losers could make me feel good about myself again? Not so. NZDating told me I would die alone unless I paid them money. Ouch.

At least it gave me the best conversation I had all week.

HIM: How has your week been? Got any plans for the weekend?

ME: My week has been just fabulous. This weekend I have a dinner with work people and lunch with a friend.

HIM: Full on fun huh? So is it cold down there right now?

ME: Yes, freezing.

HIM: Booo. You know what might warm you up?

ME: My electric blanket? Cayenne pepper mixed with vodka? House fire?

HIM: A house fire started by an electric blanket that someone spilt cayenne pepper vodka on... or an orgasm.

ME: I'm not sure it's terribly safe to orgasm during a house fire.

HIM: Well if your house isnt on fire, I'm sure you will be fine for now... Do you have MSN?

ME: I just set it on fire. Should I not have done that?

HIM: It's probably for the best...

iPhone, You Phone, We Phone... the Android

I went to a roadshow today, and I think I fell in love.

Today, I was introduced to Android. The phone carrying it was some shiny pretty skinny little thing, and I was so enraptured that I didn't even take notice of its name (gentlemen, I completely understand now why you never remember mine...!)

Specifically, it was the Apps. I'm not mobile-geeky enough to know whether you're supposed to capitalise 'Apps', but they're impressive enough that I will anyway. I discovered that there's an App that will identify which constellation you're looking at when you point your phone at the night sky. There's another that will let you take a picture of a landmark and search for what it's called. There's even one for scanning barcodes!

A few hours after I made these wonderful discoveries, I was in a meeting with my boss, who was cooing over her new iPhone. The conversation of course turned to Apps - both iPhone and Android.

"Android, Android, Android," I robotically repeated. There were some words in between, but they probably weren't important.

"But iPhone has over a million Apps!" she countered.

"Android Apps are open source!" I parried.

Of course, I have only the vaguest notion of what "open source" actually means, but I feel somehow geeky and superior whenever I say it. She may have trumped me anyway by showing me her App that makes a hooter noise like the ones you hear at the cricket.

Whichever your preference, Android or iPhone, I've come up with some Apps that probably don't exist, but should.

Boy Racer Pick-up Line Generator

Always have a sure-fire winner ready to shout from the passenger's window of your mate's pink-stickered Supra.

"Phwoar, she's hot... help me out iPhone... here it comes... "Show us your tits!""

"Dude, I really like that chick who works in the McDonalds drive-thru... oh, your Android can guarantee I get her? Here we go... "Waaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Nice one, thanks Dude."

Cat to English Translator

"Hi Kitty, did you miss me? Mummy's home to feed you! Oh, what's that you say? Hold on, I'll get the iPhone out..."

"Mreooooooowrrr."

"Let's see what you're saying, pretty girl! Bet you're hungry! Good kitty. Ok, now... oh. My haircut offends your delicate eyes. Why don't I take that swill I call cat food and... ...oh. Oh. I had no idea you felt that way."

Argument Buddy

The concept for this one is simple. Automatically activated when a person's voice exceeds a preset number of decibels, it records the further-away of two voices (presumably your opponent's) and plays it back to them in a silly voice.

"I told you I wanted LAST MONTH'S FIGURES, not 2008's!"

(Sponge-Bob Squarepants voice): "I told you I wanted last month's figures, not 2008's!"

If anyone actually makes this and it results in violent death, I deny all responsibility.

Infinite Jest

I'm reading this book at the moment called Infinite Jest. It's amazing. Not amazing because it's good, although it supposedly is, but amazing because it's the only book ever that has managed to beat me. For serious. I started on this behemoth in 2008.

It's not because it's one thousand and seventy-nine pages long. I can handle that. It's not even written in another language (though it might as well be). It's just that David Foster Wallace swallowed a dictionary - possibly multiple dictionaries - some of them Martian - and spewed it back up again, and labelled the resulting mess Infinite Jest.

Everyone knows that I have a fairly formidable vocabulary. But find me one person who knows what both the words 'anaplastic' and 'candidiatic' mean without looking them up. Go on, I dare you. If you can find such a person, I'd sure like to shake their hand. And then I'll ask them what 'arachnodactylic' means.

In recognition of the fact that I'll probably never wade through it, I've come up with some alternative uses for Infinite Jest.

Murder Weapon

It's huge, it's heavy, it won't leave visible marks. Perfect, really. If someone from work turns up dead tomorrow and I've hitched a ride on a plane to Aruba, you'll know why.

Attacking Crocodile Jaw-Jamming Mechanism

That sucker will be chomping away forever. By the time he gnaws through you'll not only have run away, you'll have died of old age.

Laptop-Elevating Computer Cooling System

That's actually what I'm using it for right now.

Advanced Spider Execution Device

Even white-tails are no match for Infinite Jest. Trust me. It's tried and true.

Child Restraint

Just watch little Junior try to escape from under this. Far more secure than a crib and a baby harness that are both inside Rimutaka, guarded by rabid dogs and surrounded by a moat filled with sharks with laser eyes.

Alien Stupefecation Tool

They'll be so engrossed in trying to figure it out, you'll have plenty of time to blow up their spaceship, round up their soldiers and adapt their technology for the purposes of destroying the ozone layer even faster. Unless they're Martians. Then they'd probably get it.

Give it a read. I'll buy a drink for the first person to prove they've made it all the way through.

Geek TV

Today, I had one of those rare things - a Monday off work. They're brilliant in theory, but when all your friends are at work and your money ran out two weeks ago, what do you do with them?

After sleeping 'till lunchtime and then logging into my work email to pre-stress myself for tomorrow, I engaged in intense conversation with my cat. We cut that short though after a minor disagreement (she's clearly quite insane. Mrrrreowr is not, and never has been, more historically important than Purrrrr, Purrrrrr!). She gave me one of those looks and stalked off to try and adopt the neighbours again, so I said "fine!" and went in search of more erudite entertainment.

The stack of unwashed dishes looked appealing until I thought I saw something move in there - then I decided they were best left well enough alone. So I crawled back to bed to indulge in a little Geek TV. Wonders of the day include:

Legend of the Seeker

I'm embarassed to discover that this was filmed in New Zealand. And it has Jay Laga'aia in it. I've never read Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth books, which the series is based on, but I think my sister once said he's alright so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and thinking they must have butchered his stories.

The costumes look like something from an op-shop, it's full of hammy bit-part acting, and the overly-intense main characters wouldn't recognise humour if it turned into a magical vine and bit them on the ass. The plot 'twists' are laughable, and given away in the first two minutes by the use of a couple of significant utterances. Helpfully, in case you're particularly stupid, they let you know an utterance is significant by pausing for a moment after saying it and looking even more somber. Each episode is peppered with slow-motion sword-fighting scenes where the hot chick companion whirls around unnecessarily so her hair looks pretty and her dress billows out.

The Tudors

I have a guilty love for this show. Sure, it's slow, we already know what's going to happen and the execution scenes are unwatchably graphic (I hide my eyes behind my hands and squeal like a little girl - don't tell anyone). But the costumes are amazing. The one disbelief I haven't been able to suspend, however, is that everyone in the sixteenth-century UK was beautiful and they all had perfect teeth. I mean, look at British people now, and then imagine them without electric toothbrushes. Shudder.

Doctor Who

The best thing I watched all day (despite the cliffhanger ending, and having to wait a whole week to see how he'll weasel himself out of this mess!). I have to admit I love Matt Smith. Matt, I apologise, at first I thought no one could ever measure up to David Tennant. But you're right. Bowties are cool. Consider my imaginary engagement to David null and void - my heart now belongs only to you.







Now I'm sick of TV and the dishes are moving again. I'm frightened. I think a drink will fix it. I'm coming, pub!

The NZDating Experiment - Part Deux

With an ad like mine, I wasn't expecting quite so many replies as I received. I won't bore you with a blow-by-blow of the eleventy billion "hi hows yr wknd" or "hae wats gng on cutie?? u up 4 a chat????" messages I received, all from 45 to 59 year old men (seriously? I have a Dad, I'm not really looking for another...!) Instead, here are some highlights from my week in messages.

The Pick-up Lines

"Is it hot around here, or is it just you?"

"So, I finally found you…the date of my dreams!"

"Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself."

And my very favourite...

"Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

The Slightly Disturbing

"Fancy some memorable fun and excitement ? Hi Im down in CHCH Mon-Wed next week on business for my IT company Im looking for someone to join me for interesting conversation, wine, kissing, and fantastic sex in my 5* hotel room in town - days or nights Interested in an adventure?"

"Something tells me you're sweet - just like me!"

"I was not aware carrots had legs anyway, well I would not wish to be a carrot this time of year, stuck in the freezing ground and nothing to do."

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -- more than ruin -- more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."

The Just Plain Wrong

Hi there, Would you be interested in having a submissive male to please and pamper you, to do what ever you want when you want?? Perhaps someone to please you sexually or someone to do the things that you don't want to do. If that sounds appealing i would welcome a reply from you. Perhaps i could help satisfy you the way YOU WANT! I look forward to your reply."

"I liked your profile except the part about killing spiders, is ok if the are white tails, apart from that I like spiders."

"I'll be honest I'm only 20 but please just hear me out. I don't know what it is but I prefer the company of a woman older than my myself as opposed to a young one,as i seem to gel better with women older than me. Plus they are more mature than girls my age and have it together. So would love to get to know you and you to know me. So, yeah, message me if you're keen."

"hi there how are you? ok this is a bit out there but is just a question ok,,, are you open to anything kinky? ever been interested in trying a strapon on a guy? if not just say. thanks."

In addition to these, I found some dude I once met in a pub who claimed to be Irish Roman Catholic, allergic to water and gave me a long, intense story about scarfies, scurvy and how AIDS really spreads (I only talked to him because he could blow epic smoke rings and had a beret).

To be fair, they're not all bad. I came across one genuinely interesting, intelligent, educated, attractive guy. After I messaged him, he took his advert down. Rumour has it he changed his name and fled to Alaska. Sigh.

So there you have it, folks, that's my story... have you had any experience with online dating? Do share.

The NZDating Experiment

So, let's kick this off with a tale of woe. Last Friday night at the obligatory after-work drinkies, a friend of mine was brutally honest with me. "Oh," she said "blah blah's not interested in you." (blah blah being my latest ill-conceived crush). I wasn't surprised. My track record with men over the past year has been abysmal.

Hung-over and teary-eyed the next morning, I decided to try some brutal honesty of my own. Who hasn't heard of NZDating? I figured I'd cheer myself up with a little entertainment. Long story short, I created a profile no man in his right mind would ever want to click on, under the pseudonym "Irulan" (the rejected princess from Dune... oh, I really am a geek!). And here it is:



Burnt carrots don't have legs

Ah, great, a chance to talk about myself. I love doing that almost as much as I love cleaning the loo and killing giant spiders.

I'm a chainsmoking crazy cat lady who hates to clean, isn't very good at cooking and is selfish and a wee bit mean sometimes. I have a B.Com, can spell, own books that don't have pictures in them and really love sarcasm.

I detest long walks on the beach and really like nights at the pub where I drink a bit too much and say whatever comes into my head, no matter how inappropriate it is.

I write poetry and sad songs which I strum on my guitar when I suddenly remember I haven't picked it up in three months and feel guilty for neglecting it.

I'm practically married to my work and frankly I'm damn good at it. I'm a commitment-phobe, easily bored by people, like spending time alone and hypocrisy is my greatest virtue.

Queue forms to the left. No pushing.

The important characteristics I'm looking for:

I have ridiculously high standards - i.e. an IQ above that of a lemur, good hygiene and an appreciation for music and the written word. I like hot nerds. Not the little candy things that come in two colours in the little paper box that you've for some reason put in the microwave; actual hot nerds.

Knowing how to use a semicolon would be a bonus. Be warned, I won't reply to your message if it's in txt language.

Watch this space for the hilarity that ensued. You're in for a treat!