It all started with Facebook. One day, when I had thirty spare seconds in which to obsessively check again whether anyone had invited me to one of their events and be sad when they hadn't, Facebook told me it was deleting all of my favourite books, music and interests. It was the online equivalent of pushing me over in the sandpit. Well, ok then. So I went back a few days later to fix it all up. I made the dreadful mistake of also ticking the profile box that says 'I'm single'.
Facebook took this information, gleefully posted it on all my friends' newsfeeds, and laughed behind its stupid blue hands when everyone commented. And then it began to taunt me in earnest.
Gone were the ads telling me I should buy pretty dresses,get free samples, adopt a lost cow and fight abdominal fat. Instead, it gave me this:
Low blow, Facebook. I'm SILIH ('Sitting Immobile, Laughing Inside Head' - it's more accurate than 'ROFL' or even 'LOL'. Not my original. A very funny guy made it up).
So I went back to NZDating. Surely a whole site full of desperate losers could make me feel good about myself again? Not so. NZDating told me I would die alone unless I paid them money. Ouch.
At least it gave me the best conversation I had all week.
HIM: How has your week been? Got any plans for the weekend?
ME: My week has been just fabulous. This weekend I have a dinner with work people and lunch with a friend.
HIM: Full on fun huh? So is it cold down there right now?
ME: Yes, freezing.
HIM: Booo. You know what might warm you up?
ME: My electric blanket? Cayenne pepper mixed with vodka? House fire?
HIM: A house fire started by an electric blanket that someone spilt cayenne pepper vodka on... or an orgasm.
ME: I'm not sure it's terribly safe to orgasm during a house fire.
HIM: Well if your house isnt on fire, I'm sure you will be fine for now... Do you have MSN?
ME: I just set it on fire. Should I not have done that?
HIM: It's probably for the best...