19 June 2010

The NZDating Experiment - Part Deux

With an ad like mine, I wasn't expecting quite so many replies as I received. I won't bore you with a blow-by-blow of the eleventy billion "hi hows yr wknd" or "hae wats gng on cutie?? u up 4 a chat????" messages I received, all from 45 to 59 year old men (seriously? I have a Dad, I'm not really looking for another...!) Instead, here are some highlights from my week in messages.

The Pick-up Lines

"Is it hot around here, or is it just you?"
"So, I finally found you…the date of my dreams!"
"Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself."
And my very favourite...
"Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

The Slightly Disturbing

"Fancy some memorable fun and excitement ? Hi Im down in CHCH Mon-Wed next week on business for my IT company Im looking for someone to join me for interesting conversation, wine, kissing, and fantastic sex in my 5* hotel room in town - days or nights Interested in an adventure?"
"Something tells me you're sweet - just like me!"
"I was not aware carrots had legs anyway, well I would not wish to be a carrot this time of year, stuck in the freezing ground and nothing to do."
"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -- more than ruin -- more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."

The Just Plain Wrong

Hi there, Would you be interested in having a submissive male to please and pamper you, to do what ever you want when you want?? Perhaps someone to please you sexually or someone to do the things that you don't want to do. If that sounds appealing i would welcome a reply from you. Perhaps i could help satisfy you the way YOU WANT! I look forward to your reply."
"I liked your profile except the part about killing spiders, is ok if the are white tails, apart from that I like spiders."
"I'll be honest I'm only 20 but please just hear me out. I don't know what it is but I prefer the company of a woman older than my myself as opposed to a young one,as i seem to gel better with women older than me. Plus they are more mature than girls my age and have it together. So would love to get to know you and you to know me. So, yeah, message me if you're keen."
"hi there how are you? ok this is a bit out there but is just a question ok,,, are you open to anything kinky? ever been interested in trying a strapon on a guy? if not just say. thanks."

In addition to these, I found some dude I once met in a pub who claimed to be Irish Roman Catholic, allergic to water and gave me a long, intense story about scarfies, scurvy and how AIDS really spreads (I only talked to him because he could blow epic smoke rings and had a beret).
To be fair, they're not all bad. I came across one genuinely interesting, intelligent, educated, attractive guy. After I messaged him, he took his advert down. Rumour has it he changed his name and fled to Alaska. Sigh.

So there you have it, folks, that's my story... have you had any experience with online dating? Do share.

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