24 June 2010

iPhone, You Phone, We Phone... the Android

I went to a roadshow today, and I think I fell in love.

Today, I was introduced to Android. The phone carrying it was some shiny pretty skinny little thing, and I was so enraptured that I didn't even take notice of its name (gentlemen, I completely understand now why you never remember mine...!)

Specifically, it was the Apps. I'm not mobile-geeky enough to know whether you're supposed to capitalise 'Apps', but they're impressive enough that I will anyway. I discovered that there's an App that will identify which constellation you're looking at when you point your phone at the night sky. There's another that will let you take a picture of a landmark and search for what it's called. There's even one for scanning barcodes!

A few hours after I made these wonderful discoveries, I was in a meeting with my boss, who was cooing over her new iPhone. The conversation of course turned to Apps - both iPhone and Android.

"Android, Android, Android," I robotically repeated. There were some words in between, but they probably weren't important.

"But iPhone has over a million Apps!" she countered.

"Android Apps are open source!" I parried.

Of course, I have only the vaguest notion of what "open source" actually means, but I feel somehow geeky and superior whenever I say it. She may have trumped me anyway by showing me her App that makes a hooter noise like the ones you hear at the cricket.

Whichever your preference, Android or iPhone, I've come up with some Apps that probably don't exist, but should.

Boy Racer Pick-up Line Generator

Always have a sure-fire winner ready to shout from the passenger's window of your mate's pink-stickered Supra.

"Phwoar, she's hot... help me out iPhone... here it comes... "Show us your tits!""

"Dude, I really like that chick who works in the McDonalds drive-thru... oh, your Android can guarantee I get her? Here we go... "Waaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Nice one, thanks Dude."

Cat to English Translator

"Hi Kitty, did you miss me? Mummy's home to feed you! Oh, what's that you say? Hold on, I'll get the iPhone out..."


"Let's see what you're saying, pretty girl! Bet you're hungry! Good kitty. Ok, now... oh. My haircut offends your delicate eyes. Why don't I take that swill I call cat food and... ...oh. Oh. I had no idea you felt that way."

Argument Buddy

The concept for this one is simple. Automatically activated when a person's voice exceeds a preset number of decibels, it records the further-away of two voices (presumably your opponent's) and plays it back to them in a silly voice.

"I told you I wanted LAST MONTH'S FIGURES, not 2008's!"

(Sponge-Bob Squarepants voice): "I told you I wanted last month's figures, not 2008's!"

If anyone actually makes this and it results in violent death, I deny all responsibility.

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