Love is in the air

It's that time of year again, when everyone either whines about participating in the commercialism of love or whines about not participating in the commercialism of love. Ironically, no one ever seems to be particularly happy about Valentines Day, which is apparently supposed to be all about celebrating happiness.

I, of course, don't have a valentine of my own this year. If you believe the BBC, this is most likely because I have a cat. I've put together a short video to rectify this situation. 

 

So hot right now.

I'm quite certain commercialised demonstrations of love will begin pouring in any moment now. Maybe I'll land this stunner.

Meow!

Oh wait! here come the messages already!

32 year old Male from Southland seeking Friendships

HIM: when you say you have ridiculos high standards does that mean you expect high levels of ridiculos behaviour or that you are ridiculos to high standard??
ME: It means I'm ridiculously sure on how to spell ridiculous.

30 year old Make from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: hey u a bisset??lol
ME: Oh yes, Jacqueline is my grandmother's cousin or something, twice removed.
HIM: what??u tonis sister??
ME: I'm not familiar with Utonis, I'm afraid... is it anywhere near Brighton? I do so love Brighton in the summer.
HIM: haha bumcheeck.whgat yr number ??if wana meet??chat
ME: Although I consider myself rather intellectual for my sex, I cannot make head nor tail of your code. I'm frightfully sorry; may I have a clue?
HIM: u maybe silly but thats your enigma of understanding of life not mine bye
ME: ...

36 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: naughty little sausage
ME: But it goes so nicely between some buns.
HIM: ouch that might hurt a bit.. hope you aren't too rough
ME: Nah. Bit of pickle balances the flavour.
HIM: ...with a little hot sauce?
ME: Yes. I also like to add mayonnaise.
HIM: ... perhpas some light bondage as well ..some spanking across a gentle mans lap.. before being hoisted over his shoulder?
ME: You want to beat up my lunch and carry it away? How cruel!
HIM: cruel can be so sweet though... but really just to loosen it up and take it upstairs where there's a nicer place to eat
ME: But where are you taking my midday repast?
HIM: not too far... bound and gagged and in stiletto thigh boots, stockings, suspenders and a corset..heels high in the air and your mouth kept wet, kissed and sucked repast is never far away
ME: My poor hot dog. :(
HIM: awh.. some sweet penis in your meow moew and bottom won't hirt little hotdog.. hotdog can also have other scenarios where hot dog gets to dance and swing on chandaliers etc
ME: ...Did you really just say 'meow meow'...?!

29 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: Are you called Irulan because of Dune?
ME: Of course not. There was this interesting time-travelling jaunt I did once - met this dude called Frank, and you know how it goes... one thing led to another, it was all intense for about 36 hours, I left because I'd promised Jane Austen a visit - well, I get back to my own time eventually, browse a bookshop, and found he's named the wee Bene Gesserit lass after me! Originally she was called Chloe.

So... which one should I choose?

iPhone, You Phone, We Phone... the Android

I went to a roadshow today, and I think I fell in love.

Today, I was introduced to Android. The phone carrying it was some shiny pretty skinny little thing, and I was so enraptured that I didn't even take notice of its name (gentlemen, I completely understand now why you never remember mine...!)

Specifically, it was the Apps. I'm not mobile-geeky enough to know whether you're supposed to capitalise 'Apps', but they're impressive enough that I will anyway. I discovered that there's an App that will identify which constellation you're looking at when you point your phone at the night sky. There's another that will let you take a picture of a landmark and search for what it's called. There's even one for scanning barcodes!

A few hours after I made these wonderful discoveries, I was in a meeting with my boss, who was cooing over her new iPhone. The conversation of course turned to Apps - both iPhone and Android.

"Android, Android, Android," I robotically repeated. There were some words in between, but they probably weren't important.

"But iPhone has over a million Apps!" she countered.

"Android Apps are open source!" I parried.

Of course, I have only the vaguest notion of what "open source" actually means, but I feel somehow geeky and superior whenever I say it. She may have trumped me anyway by showing me her App that makes a hooter noise like the ones you hear at the cricket.

Whichever your preference, Android or iPhone, I've come up with some Apps that probably don't exist, but should.

Boy Racer Pick-up Line Generator

Always have a sure-fire winner ready to shout from the passenger's window of your mate's pink-stickered Supra.

"Phwoar, she's hot... help me out iPhone... here it comes... "Show us your tits!""

"Dude, I really like that chick who works in the McDonalds drive-thru... oh, your Android can guarantee I get her? Here we go... "Waaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Nice one, thanks Dude."

Cat to English Translator

"Hi Kitty, did you miss me? Mummy's home to feed you! Oh, what's that you say? Hold on, I'll get the iPhone out..."

"Mreooooooowrrr."

"Let's see what you're saying, pretty girl! Bet you're hungry! Good kitty. Ok, now... oh. My haircut offends your delicate eyes. Why don't I take that swill I call cat food and... ...oh. Oh. I had no idea you felt that way."

Argument Buddy

The concept for this one is simple. Automatically activated when a person's voice exceeds a preset number of decibels, it records the further-away of two voices (presumably your opponent's) and plays it back to them in a silly voice.

"I told you I wanted LAST MONTH'S FIGURES, not 2008's!"

(Sponge-Bob Squarepants voice): "I told you I wanted last month's figures, not 2008's!"

If anyone actually makes this and it results in violent death, I deny all responsibility.