03 July 2010

Deep and Meaningfuls

Time for another blog post. I could give you valuable insights into the human condition through the vehicle of witty allegory. I could provide you with useful information to guide you through this battlefield called life. But it's Saturday night, I'm tired and still somewhat hungover from last night. So instead you get more conversations with internet weirdoes from NZDating. Warning: they're rated AO. Don't continue reading if you're a kid or a nun or my Mum.

29 year old man seeking women for friendships

HIM: hows it going.keen for some fun baby

ME: Fun! Ooh, I love fun! Do you think we could go a poetry recital? They're always fun.

HIM: you look so yummy,id love to lick you baby all nite.

ME: How will you recite poetry if you're licking me? It would come out all "Mhuhuhmmemm. Arhghgh."

HIM: i wanna smell your pussy and lick it baby

ME: I don't think she'd be ok with that. I know she licks herself to get clean, but cats have special tongues that act like towels as well.

HIM: id love to slide my thick brown cock in you baby

ME: Yeah, see, I'm not sure my cat would get along with poultry either. If your cock is quite big, she possibly couldn't eat it, but they'd still get into a scrap and it would be awkward and unpleasant for everyone. I'm thinking possibly we're not a very good match for each other after all.

HIM: let me just lick you baby and make you orgasm.you make me so horny.

ME: I'm beginning to think we're misunderstanding each other.

HIM: ok sweet as

HIM: can i see a photo of your pussy


35 year old professional man seeking women for friendships

HIM: nice how r u

HIM: how r u

HIM: how r u>>>

ME: gd hw r u

HIM: awesome u look sooooooooooooooooooo hott u single???

ME: No. I'm actually married to a very rich businessman.

HIM: pity love to date u!!!u can see someone else???

ME: My husband goes away on business a lot. He's very rich and important.

HIM: awesome so we could meet??? u look damm hot

ME: I guess maybe we could, but I have to tell you that I'm very superstitious. I'd have some conditions. Are you ok with that?

HIM: sure what are they--also wouldnt ask for sex--
love to chat to u and get to know you

ME: Bad spirits that my jealous husband called forth follow me round and spy on me. So there'd be a cleansing ritual to go through before we met.

HIM: sure --would u be open to sex???

ME: I would need you to go to the top of the Port Hills at least one hour before I arrived. You'd need to start a campfire. Bring lots of fresh sage, some lavender cut under the light of a full moon, and a blue candle.

HIM: sure-- are you open to sex???

ME: Crush some of the sage between your hands and then sprinkle it on the fire. Pass the lavender flowers through the flame until they are singed. Then rub the charred flowers all over your body.

HIM: lovely--u want me naked whist I do it??? will it remove hair on my body???

ME: Naturally, and yes it will burn your hair off. I hope you're ok with that. Next you'll light the blue candle and burn more sage in its flame whilst chanting an incantation.

HIM: Hair on head?? or just Body hair--when u come will I be naked?? will u??? would we embrace on the hill???

ME: You need to repeat these words loudly, in a commanding voice, ten times whilst walking clockwise round the campfire, holding the candle and burning the sage:

"I am a douchebag because I tried it on with a married woman."

HIM: really

1 comment:

  1. Snort. I like this one. Especially the labels you chose to attach to it.