But my readers have told me (in no uncertain terms!) that what they want to see next is more NZDating weirdery. (I just made that word up. I really like it. So should you).
So, without further ado...
horny_30 (no longer a member of NZDating)
HIM: hay there im soo horny wanna help me out24 year old Male from Auckland seeking Relationships
ME: Yes, I can give you some advice.
1. Load google maps
2. Locate Manchester St
3. Find a hooker
5. All better.
HIM: YOU LOOK LIKE ME. SERIOUSLY35 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships
ME: This is true. I've often been told I closely resemble a yam.
HIM: i am the yammiest
ME: Is the picture of you naked in the closet supposed to be as overt a reference as it appears?
HIM: I do love penisis
ME: That's good to know.
HIM: ive got a lot of oil in me
ME: It's nice to meet you, Gulf of Mexico.
HIM: Yeah im going to kill myself I think with butter
ME: Will the butter be an environmental factor, or will you simply ingest so much that you die?
HIM: im going to seriously force it into my gullet. im so big and fat and full of fakeness, im just a big fake
ME: Oh. Well, I hope you have a lot of money. Butter's really expensive now.
HIM: I dont I will probably have to use margarine
ME: Margarine's a lot healthier than butter. I think you could possibly find that you get impossibly full before you've consumed a lethal amount.
HIM: please help
ME: I would, but I don't have any money for butter either. Sorry.
HIM: Just stomp on my face untill I die
ME: I'm pretty light. I don't think that would do much.
HIM: You are a pretty princess
ME: And you are so definitely not a pea.
HIM: wow love your pic looking hot
HIM: hey there horny lol bet u get that alot ah ?
ME: Being called 'horny lol'? No, usually people call me Anne.
HIM: lol how are you going tonight Anne ?
ME: I'm going very well, thanks for asking.
HIM: very welcome so did u like my pics at all
ME: I'm sorry, I don't think you sent me any pics?
HIM: ok here u go *naked torso pic*
ME: All I can see is a chest - poor dear, you've missed the head. I'm fairly sure I saw "Photography For Dummies" on special at Scorpio books - I could double check for you, if you'd like?