More NZDating Weirdery

I had planned to write about army dudes who kill goats with the power of their hippy-minds, the trauma of seeing a friend's flatmate dressed only in a morphsuit, and the experience of making a fool of myself on camera in order to win a morning tea with huge guys who are apparently kind of A Big Deal.

But my readers have told me (in no uncertain terms!) that what they want to see next is more NZDating weirdery. (I just made that word up. I really like it. So should you).

So, without further ado...

horny_30 (no longer a member of NZDating)

HIM: hay there im soo horny wanna help me out

ME: Yes, I can give you some advice.

1. Load google maps
2. Locate Manchester St
3. Find a hooker
4. *stuff*
5. All better.

You're welcome.

24 year old Male from Auckland seeking Relationships

HIM: YOU LOOK LIKE ME. SERIOUSLY

ME: This is true. I've often been told I closely resemble a yam.

HIM: i am the yammiest

ME: Is the picture of you naked in the closet supposed to be as overt a reference as it appears?

HIM: I do love penisis

ME: That's good to know.

HIM: ive got a lot of oil in me

ME: It's nice to meet you, Gulf of Mexico.

HIM: Yeah im going to kill myself I think with butter

ME: Will the butter be an environmental factor, or will you simply ingest so much that you die?

HIM: im going to seriously force it into my gullet. im so big and fat and full of fakeness, im just a big fake

ME: Oh. Well, I hope you have a lot of money. Butter's really expensive now.

HIM: I dont I will probably have to use margarine

ME: Margarine's a lot healthier than butter. I think you could possibly find that you get impossibly full before you've consumed a lethal amount.

HIM: please help

ME: I would, but I don't have any money for butter either. Sorry.

HIM: Just stomp on my face untill I die

ME: I'm pretty light. I don't think that would do much.

HIM: You are a pretty princess

ME: And you are so definitely not a pea.

35 year old Male from Canterbury seeking Friendships

HIM: wow love your pic looking hot

HIM: hey there horny lol bet u get that alot ah ?

ME: Being called 'horny lol'? No, usually people call me Anne.

HIM: lol how are you going tonight Anne ?

ME: I'm going very well, thanks for asking.

HIM: very welcome so did u like my pics at all

ME: I'm sorry, I don't think you sent me any pics?

HIM: ok here u go *naked torso pic*

ME: All I can see is a chest - poor dear, you've missed the head. I'm fairly sure I saw "Photography For Dummies" on special at Scorpio books - I could double check for you, if you'd like?

ME: ...Hello?